New Year, New Narrative

A few weeks ago, when it came time to frost and be-sprinkle our annual Christmas sugar cookies, I had a bunch of extra kids in the house. They were neighbors of ours, and it was cold outside, and decorating cookies seemed the best use of an hour or so. Our house is small. When it contains 5 kids, it's smart to find something that keeps them seated (more or less).

They were very enthusiastic, particularly with the frosting. I found myself saying, over and over again, "Don't put the frosting on too thick. Try to spread it a bit thinner."

This had absolutely no effect, so I tried again.

"You shouldn't really just pile it on there like a mountain. Think low to the cookie, like the grass in the pasture."

I made a few more attempts to get them to change tactics, but nothing really worked. The lovely imagery and accompanying practical message was lost on these kids. The frosting was disappearing fast, and we had a ton of cookies left.

So I gave it up. Why bother? Some things, after all, are better in giant doses, and brightly colored cream cheese frosting at Christmastime is one of those things. Maybe it's overwhelmingly sweet, but who cares? Just eat fewer cookies, right? I changed my tune completely and started saying things like, "That's a great lump on your snowman's head! Are Rudolph's knees a little swollen? Delicious!"

This is my lesson for the new year. Embrace the abundance. Even if it's a little overwhelming. Even if it you're pretty sure it isn't good for you. Even if you'd rather not be eating a cookie at all, regardless of the frosting ratio. Just be happy the cookie is there, in that moment, and try to enjoy what parts of it you can.

You hear that 2012? That's how it's going down. I will be my normal, positive, good-natured, only moderately anxious and spazzy self, thank you very much. Go ahead. Pile it on. I'm going to love it all.

2011 got me down. Way down. For a few months there, it very possibly had me headed into a serious depression. I have had depression (like, the treatable with medication variety) before. It's familiar to me. And it didn't make it easier, exactly, to deal with the grasshoppers and the stress and the strange growing pains of the children and the only barely paying the bills and everything else that happened last year.

Luckily, I know what to do. I've been exercising regularly. I've been drinking green juice and smoothies every day. I've been trying to catch up on some sleep and find quiet time to think. My siblings were here for the holidays and it was so wonderful to see them. I've tried to just say no to dark and gloomy thoughts, and move back toward the light.

And it's all working. The dark fog in my brain has lifted. The problems we're having no longer seem insurmountable. They're just problems to solve, like they've always been, like there always will be.

We have a solid plan that we both feel it is possible to pull off without killing ourselves. We're dialing things back quite a bit on the farm. . .looking for fewer CSA members and limiting ourselves to one farmers market. We're attempting to sell some of our land to help offset last year's losses (know anyone that wants a very reasonably priced 5 acre parcel adjacent to a lovely little CSA farm just west of Gill, Colorado? Send them our way!). We're proud of everything we've built out here, and now it's time to figure out how we run the farm, rather than having the farm run us into the ground. I'm going to blog more, since that will help me see the path, and maybe write other things too.

And when things get crazy and I feel strung out. . .when there's just too much frosting on this cookie? I'm going to just smile big and let it run its course and remember to enjoy the ride.

It's almost time to plant new seeds, and planting new seeds is an expression of so much hope and love and faith that it's sort of impossible not to believe that this year really is going to be a good year. Expect to see a lot more happy here on the farm in 2012. A smaller, richer, sweeter little operation that our family really can manage. More flowers, since I missed them like crazy in 2011. More greens, since I miss them like crazy right now. More patience, more perseverance, more faith.

That is the new story. I promise to be better about writing it all down.